


Rubbish Vault Fics archive

by Madam_Violet



Series: The Vault Chronicles [13]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Actually nothing happens, But there's an actual cat too, Cat, F/M, Girl's afternoon, Missy is a cat, Missy is a fandom trash, Missy is such a princess, Steven Universe References, The Flash references, This Is STUPID, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Vault fic, a lot of glitters, character writing a fanfic, froot loops, really nothing at all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-03-01 07:44:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13290291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madam_Violet/pseuds/Madam_Violet
Summary: Formerly known as "Good Day", but it's now a multi chapter.A collection of silly one shots, about Missy's ordinary happy moments. A lot of OOCness (more than usually) and tooth rotting fluff.





	1. Good Day

One thing never failed to amaze the Doctor : it was Missy's smile. When he went down to the Vault visiting her, she always welcomed him with a bright smile. Of course, she happened to be a bit sad sometimes, but even then, she stayed brightly optimistic and lively. It was quite a feat for a person locked for decades in a sparse room. The Doctor being the Doctor, he assumed it was thanks to his occasional visits and quickly stopped worrying about her. Typical, though Nardole. Attention span of a goldfish and absolute confidence in his "skills". And little consideration for the other's work.

Of course, Missy was good natured and easily amused, but no, Doctor, she required a bit more maintenance than a few evenings of fast food and story telling. Sometimes, she happened to be down and someone had to lift her spirits.

Like this morning. Well, in a way of speaking, since it was way past noon. But Missy had been oversleeping a bit and Nardole didn't feel like waking her. He valued his own head. But as hours passed and Missy was still not answering, he became worried and entered without locking her first in the contaiment field. As he thought, she was curled on her bed, hidden under a ball of blankets. Still in her pyjamas, hair in a mess but very much awake.

"Hello, miss. Maybe it would be time to get up and put proper clothes."

Missy opened an eye sleepily and nodded. She didn't insult her visitor. Nardole wasn't surprised, she had overcame this stage long ago. He was kind of a friend for her now. Not exactly a friend, but not an enemy either. More like a caretaker. And unlike the Doctor, she didn't mind being cared for.

"Common, sleepy head. It's past noon, you know."

"Whatever"

By the sulky tone of her voice, he knew she wasn't just acting lazy. He had to speak more firmly.

"Get up from this bed now and dress yourself while I go and fetch you something to eat. You can have a breakfast even if it's very late."

Missy stuck out her tongue. Nardole sighed and turned on the TV set. He flipped through the channels until finding some TV show he knew she liked, the one with the geeky boys and the funny sci-fi references.

"Can I have my breakfast in bed ?" she finally asked, yawning and stretching.

"Certainly not ! You need to get out of this bed now."

"Not like if I had pressing things to do today."

"It's not the point. You know how you are when you sleep all day, all comatose and brooding. You need to exercise a bit and to distract your mind. Do you want a new book ? I saw the last Neil Gaiman novel at the newsagent this morning. You usually love those, don't you ?"

Missy nodded and Nardole smiled and left to make her breakfast.

 

When he came back, Missy wasn't dressed yet, but at least she was out of the bed, sitting on the floor facing the TV. She was laugthing at the slapstick gags of the sitcom and seemed less down than expected. Good, maybe she had just been acting up a little. He poured milk over the Froot Loops and brought the trey to her. He would have preferred giving it to her at the table, but she seemed captivated by Sheldon's shenanigans.

"Finish the episode, and then go wash your hair. You look like a little witch like this ! And you know this season by heart anyway."

Missy nodded and began stirring her Froot Loops, playing with the colours tainting the milk.

"Eat those cereals before you got a mush."

She obeyed mindlessly and bit in her toast. She wasn't exactly down, but certainly unresponsive, which would probably cause later restlessness.

"I'll brought you the book, alright ?"

 

Later in the afternoon, Missy was all dressed and dolled up, with slightly wet smoothed hair and soft make up. She was writing in the pretty notebook the Doctor gave her, her favourite music album playing in the background. Nardole poured her a cup of tea and approached her. There was a fifty fifty chance she sent him to hell or instead she began rambling about her current obsession.

"I'm writing a fanfiction" she simply said.

"For the Doctor ?"

"No, just for me. You won't tell him, right ?"

"Of course not. You want to tell me or not ?"

Missy lifted her head and looked at him for a moment before nodding.

"It's about this episode in The Flash, when Barry keeps Eobard in a glass cage in an abandonned factory."

She drank her tea and returned to her writing without giving another glance to Nardole. He put the novel on the table and left her alone. She was busy for a moment.

 

When the Doctor arrived with dinner, Missy was smiling. She was already halfway through her new book and seemed enthralled.

"I see Nardole treated you today."

"Yes. I've been really nice, you know."

The Doctor smiled. It was a bit cocky of her, but he couldn't say she was wrong. She was usually nice and Nardole didn't gave her presents when she didn't deserved them.

"What did you do today ? I see your notebook. You've been writing ?"

"Yes. A fanfiction about a super hero who keeps his nemesis in a cage in an abandonned factory."

She said nothing more and closed her book, smiling somewhat knowingly when the Doctor handed her a bag from the MacDonald's. He wasn't sure to get it, probably a reference she was the only one to understand. They ate together and then the Doctor went to his armchair. However, Missy didn't went into hers, but instead sat on the Doctor's lap, curling against him. He grumbled a bit but gave in and strocked her back softly. He noticed her hair was clean and properly combed. She looked less like a little witch than usually. He kissed her forehead and began talking. She was not listening but she liked hearing the sound of his voice, her ears against his chest. They didn't need words anymore, little rituals becoming as natural as breathing. He finally decided to turn on the TV and launch a film. He let her choose amongt her favourite DVDs while he prepared a trey with tea and sugary goods.

"X Men again ? You love the one were they are young, I see."

"It's because it's about us" she said simply, snuggling under her blanket.

"It's true." said the Doctor with a smile.

Missy smiled at him, satisfied.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I've learned the particle accelerator Missy asks in The Lie of the Land is a reference to The Flash. Since I don't know anything at all about this show I had to do a little research. Fun fact, I only found one fic about the episode Moffat probably wanted to reference. But it was a good one, so Missy probably published it from the Doctor's smartphone or something ^^.


	2. Queen of the Twelfth Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor gets caught by Bill scannings the king's cake slices at the cafeteria with his sonic glasses. She decides to teach him how to sort of the king properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WTF am I writing ? Just a random idea that came to my mind supervising kids at the school cafeteria today.  
> It was all fun and games until I realised I didn't know anything about Twelfth Night traditions in the UK. Thanks to Meancatoal88 for her help. Because Google really didn't help at all. So forgive the complete absence of cultural accuracy.

The Doctor was lining up in the cafeteria, a white head amongst the students. Professors usually took their lunch in town, at the closest restaurant. But the Doctor preferred the chips from the cafeteria. Sometimes he ate with Nardole, sometimes he waited for Bill's service to end; or he ordered take away and went down the Vault. He didn't lack of friends and he could consider himself lucky.

Speaking of lucky, he eyed slices of king's cake on students treys. Taking his glasses out of his pocket, he greeted Bill and headed to the desserts. Scanning them with his sonic specs, he winced. Unlucky today.

“Oi !” Bill called. “Are you seriously doing what I think you're doing ?”

The Doctor removed his glasses and looked at Bill, feeling a blush coming to his cheeks.

“I don't know what you think I'm doing.”

Bill shot him a stern glance, the kind of _you must be kidding me_ look.

“Yes, I am cheating with the king's cake. And I can tell you none of those slices will make me a king.”

Bill let a heartfelt laugh escape her lips but the Doctor didn't move, creating a grumbling line of students behind him.

“You're serious, right” she sighed.

She stretched her hand and the doctor gave her the glasses. She disappeared a few seconds in the kitchen and went back with a lucky slice and the paper crown to go with it.

“You know you're spoiling all the fun of it, right ?”

The Doctor took a second slice and handed his staff member card too Bill. The girl looked at the two sliced and suddenly she collected the pieces together.

“When I was a kid I always wanted to be the queen, so Moira cheated. But one day I realised it was no fun at all and I asked we sort the kings honestly. It was much fun this way, being a grown up and playing like one.”

The Doctor frowned, not sure what his friend meant.

“Maybe it's time for your friend to play like a grown up too.”

“You think it's a good idea ?”

“Why not ? If I were her I would feel a bit patronised.”

“You're right” admitted the Doctor. “See you at tea time, downstairs. And give me two more slices, please.”

Bill froze and realised she should have shut her mouth. One day her bloody auto-piloted mouth would be the death of her.

“No. I'm certainly not doing that !”

“Common, you know better about Earth traditions. 5 PM, don't be late.”

 

Bill told herself she was really the biggest fool. But she was at the meeting spot, a few minutes early. The warehouse was a bit gloomy but full of interesting stuff. She briefly wondered if any of those belonged to the Doctor.

“Ah, Bill !” Nardole exclaimed with a cheery voice. “Glad to see you. What are you doing here?”

“The Doctor didn't tell you ? He wants us to have an actual tea party with Scary Poppins in there. Please, tell me you can make him change his mind.”

Nardole winced a little.

“He wants you to come near to Missy ? I'm not sure it's the best idea, the more audience she has the most she acts up.”

The Doctor finally arrived, a bright smile on his lips. He was holding a grocery bag. Nardole frowned.

“Sir, Bill told me what you have in mind and I must say I don't really approve the idea.”

“Common, Nardole, it's just a tea party. And it was Bill's idea.”

the girl coughed.

“No it wasn't.”

“Yes it was. You suggested we celebrate the Twelfth Night together, without cheating. You even told me it it would be better for Missy to be treated as an adult.”

“Gosh, I can't believe I actually said that. Well, I just said you should treat her like a grown up, not we should all play along with her. And why me ? She's used to you two, I'm sure she'd prefer being with her close friends. If you're her friends… I don't know, it's too weird for me.”

“She'll be delighted to have company. The more she has audience the most she can put on a show” the Doctor said with a smile.

Bill and Nardole exchanged a glance and the girl chuckled.

“You keep her in the glass cage, okay ?”

“How are we going to sort the king then ?”

“You better not let us be killed” Bill moaned.

 

In the Vault, Missy was sitting in her containment field, nicely playing piano. When she heard the door opening, she turned around and smiled at her visitors.

“The Three Musketeers ready to save the world ! How can I help you with my great wisdom ?”

Bill frowned and the Doctor laughed.

“We don't need any help, Missy. But it's very kind of you to offer your help.”

Missy stood up and began hovering around her cage.

“What are you doing there, then ?” she asked, growing impatient.

“We just came to spend a moment with you, and have a little tea party. Did you know it was the Twelfth Night today ?”

The Time Lady bit her lower lip, taken aback. She moved to the edge of the force field, watching every face before her as if she was looking for some kind of a trap.

“The two of you together ? And with the squishy one ?”

“Yes, Missy, all of us. The whole team !”

Bill exchanged a glance with Nardole, forming silently the word team with an exasperated frown. The cyborg just shuddered. Missy joined them with a bewildered look. They all agreed to think the doctor had gone nuts.

“I'm going to take the field down, okay, Missy ?” the Doctor warned sternly but softly.

The Time Lady nodded. As soon as the blueish light faded, she jumped on the floor and began to prowl around the Doctor's companions, a bit too close to respect their personal space. The Time lord was busy setting the tea and the cake on the small table. It was only a table for two, since Missy was usually eating alone or with only one of her guardians. They would have to sit very close to each other.

“Come over here, all of you !” he called joyfully, unaware of the heavy atmosphere between the three of them. Missy was watching Bill with a predatory smile, and Nardole didn't let her out of sight, as if he was holding her back with some sort of a psychic chain.

“We're going to sort the king for real this year.”

Missy pouted.

“What is that, young lady ?” Nardole scolded.

Bill looked at her friend with a confused look. Since when a thousands of years old alien looking like a middle aged woman even remotely deserved to be called “young lady”? And why did she actually thought it suited her oddly well. The Time Lady looked at the slices critically.

“Do you really want to sort the king ? Isn't that a children thing ?”

The Doctor smiled.

“Are you crossed because you have three chances out of four to lose ?”

“Don't be stupid, I couldn't care less about your little humans traditions. But I like cake. And since you're in my home I guess I will have to play the hostess.”

She twirled on herself, making her skirts swirl around in a very Disney princess fashion and she gestured toward the table.

“Take a sit, if you please. Make yourself at home while I'm boiling tea.”

The three friends sat together around the small table, exchanging glances when Missy headed toward the kettle.

“Is there something fishy ?” Bill asked.

“I don't think so” the Doctor answered. “Missy is probably very happy to have guests.”

The girl frowned, not really sure to grasp the idea of being a guest to a prisoner in her underground dungeon. Well, glancing around she couldn't deny it was a nice looking dungeon. Could be a bit more furnished, but at least it was stylish. Kind of stylish, if you like 1920's cabaret style. Probably Missy's case, so it's what matters.

“Yeah” Nardole said with a contented smile. “She likes doing that, little tea parties. She's a very girly lady, despite all you might think. She knitted me a pretty scarf for my unbirthday last year.”

Missy came back with a trey holding a steaming teapot, several tea boxes and some sugar cubes in a saucer. She was wearing an apron and looked really pleased with herself, like a little girl allowed to play mother at Sunday tea party.

“When I was little we used to sort kings like the French” Bill mused. “The youngest one went under the table while Moira cut the cake and decided blindly whom part it was.”

“This could be fun” decided Nardole. “I assume you're less than a century old, so I guess it's your turn to go under the table.”

“Hmm, it would be easier to blindfold you, my dear” Missy suggested, already looking for a scarf or a tea towel.

Bill laughed at the idea but she let the Time lady put the cloth around her eyes.

“I can't see anything.”

“Good” said Missy. “I don't trust the Doctor, he will take the better piece. Humpty Dumpty will do the parting.”

The cyborg nodded. Bill laughed and began sorting the cake slices. Missy gave an amused glance to the Doctor. He could say she liked company and she currently felt like a princess.

“And the last one for Missy” Bill said while removing her blindfold.

They all ate their cake and to no one's surprise, Missy found the charm. She giggled like a litte girl when the Doctor put the paper crown on her head. Bill and Nardole exchanged a satisfied look, but the Time Lady didn't noticed.

“Bow before your Queen, peasans” she sing sang cheerfully.

Was she aware of the obvious cheating ? If she was she couldn't care less. Bill sighed. Next year they would do it right.

 


	3. Gossips and Glitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill goes to a crafting club to flirt with a peculiar student, making the Doctor and Nardole really curious. Since she claims those classes are useless otherwise, they ask her to put her new skills to use in the Vault.

It wasn't exactly 6 PM when Bill stormed in the Doctor's office. Nardole was there, making tea, and he noticed she was in a strange mood, somewhere between excited and annoyed. The kind of girl-in-love mood, boiling with hormones and complex schemes to get noticed by her crush.  
"You're on springs today. What's her name ?"  
"Maddie, she's like, I don't know. From another planet"  
"Literally or metaphorically ?" Nardole asked casually.  
Bill laughed at the joke, before she understood it wasn't a joke.  
"She's a full blood human from Scotland. I meant, she's in alternative fashion. One day she's like I don't know, an evil, sexy Morticia Addams, and the next day she's the sweetest porcelain doll. First I just found her weird, then I found her nice and fun. Now I find her so hot ! Imagine, it's like dating a full prism of women !"  
"You should try and date a Zygon, then" The Doctor said with a smile, enterning the room.  
"What's a Zygon ?"  
"Red, slimey, with suckers like squids."  
"Eww ! Why would I date that ?"  
"Don't be prejudiced, miss Potts. Zygons are shapeshifters, they live among us since a war destroyed their home planet and a treaty was signed between Zygon and Human authorities a few years ago. I was there, a great moment in our history, even if things are a bit complicated now and then. Maybe your crush is a Zygon, how would you know it."  
"Please, Doctor, don't put me that image !"  
Bill sat down, trying to forget everything the Doctor told her about red, slimy and squidy aliens in disguise. Otherwise, she wasn,'t sure she would be able to touch any girl again. Even pretty Maddie.  
"So, what did you do today ?" the Doctor asked.  
"We're not going to study ?"  
"Of course, we are. I'm just trying to be civil. And I'm sure you had a lot of fun. You have the smile of someone who had a lot of fun."  
"I went to a crafting class with Maddie. The girl who is absolutely not a Zygon."  
"You like crafting ? I like it to ! Well, my previous self liked it better, I swear I still find glitters and pipe cleaners everywhere in the TARDIS."  
"Actually I hate any type of manual activities. Not that I really hate crafting, it's just crafting that hates me. I could fail at drawing a smiley on a sticky note !"  
"Is it what you did today ? Drawing smileys ? A bit dull, even on human standard !"  
Bill shook her head and dived into her bag, putting all sorts of stuff on the already messy desk in front of her. She finally found what she was looking for : a glass bottle full of glitters.  
"It's a sensory bottle. They also call it a calm down bottle. You shake it like this."  
Bill shook the bottle and the water became purplish blue with glitters.  
"Apparently it's a parents trick to calm children. They look at the glitter swirling and wait until the water is clear again."  
The Doctor lifted his eyes from the swirling glitters and came back to the reality.  
"I see, it works on concentration. But you don't have any children, right ?"  
"This bottle is rubbish anyway. There are glue stains everywhere and the glitter glue didn't dissolve well."  
Bill pulled her physic book and her note pad out of her bag and started reading her last assignment. She stopped when she noticed the Doctor was playing with the glitter bottle.  
"Why did you stop reading, Bill ? A problem ?"  
"You're not listening, you're playing with that stuff."  
The Doctor put the bottle down.  
"I was thinking I might have use for a bottle like this one."  
"Present, then !"  
"I think one made of plastic would be safer."  
Bill frowned and bit her lip. At the moment, Nardole entered the room with tea.  
"Nardole, do you think you could find a strong plastic bottle with a nice looking shape ?"  
"Certainly, sir. Why do you need it for ?"  
The Doctor handled him Bill's bottle.  
"I see... What do you have in mind ? A new crafting project for our friend downstairs ? I might as well buy glitters, I saw really cute ones at the mall Saturday."  
Bill sighed, feeling out of the loop. It was often the case when her two friends were whispering to each other and talking about things she wasn't part of. Well, it was less often since the Doctor opened his Vault in front of her.  
"Wait, what are you talking about ? Don't tell me the person you call your friend is whoever I think it is. Because it would be a bit crazy."  
"I don't think it's a bad idea" the Doctor said very seriously. "Your bottle is really relaxing. Especially for Time Lord senses. It works on the perception of time."  
"Yeah, and she loves playing with glitters, and glue, and shiny beads" Nardole added.  
"You must be kidding me, both of you. The comic book super villain you're keeping in a glass cage under the university loves playing with glitters ?"  
"First she's not a comic book villain" the Doctor corrected."She grew out of this phase long ago. And we don't keep her in a glass cage. She's got a bigger on the inside Vault with all the comfort she needs."  
"And it's a good way to keep her busy" Nardole added. "Not that she needs it, she could play all day long in an empty room she wouldn't get bored. But she loves making stuff. I even taught her how to knit once I found those safe rubber needles for kids. She's really good, she made me a scarf in no time."  
"You know what ?" Bill sighed. "It's weird. I mean, even weirder than any weird things I saw outer space."  
"Nothing's weird about that" the Doctor explained.  
"You know, guarding Missy isn't all about checking the locks and protecting the Earth from her evil schemes. Most of our job, Nardole and I, consists in caretakers daily tasks. She's easy to live, you would be surprised. Actually, now you know each other, you should go down with me and craft with her. You could show her what you learned at those classes."  
"No way ! Tell me you're joking, Doctor, please !"  
Bill cringed, knowing this smile too well.

A few hours later, Bill was in the Vault, in front of a table full of glitters, sequins and shiny stuff. It was like the crafting club. Except instead of cute Maddie, Scary Poppins was watching her expectantly with her creepy glass like eyes. Beautiful eyes, Bill had to be honest with herself, but still creepy blue orbs almost shining in the dull artificial light.  
"Sooo, pretty one. What does the Doctor think you can do to entertain me ? I hope it will be fun because I was really busy today."  
Bill briefly wondered what could keep the Time Lady busy in such a barren space. Looking around her she could almost be sorry for the prisoner. Well, almost, because whatever the Doctor might say, she seemed to be treated like a princess by both her guardians.  
"Not my idea, if you want to know" she whispered, checking on the Doctor who was reading in a corner. "I made this in a club in town. It's basically a water bottle full of glitters."  
"Seems boring, but let's give a try. I have so many glitters leftover from my slime afternoons."  
"Wait, you're telling me you actually make slime ?"  
Bill was almost choking with her tea.  
"I made slime before it went viral, honey. But I became bored with it. Humans do this like some kind of mystical alchemy, it's so obnoxious. If they understood the physics of it, not the general idea, the actual transformation of each molecule, perfect cloud slime wouldn't be such a big deal."  
_I'm currently asleep in my bed_ , thought Bill, _absolutely not talking about slime with the nutter who lives in a Vault under the university_.  
"If you could stop calling me a nutter, even in your thoughts, I would be very grateful. Well, we probably agree with the idea I'm bananas, but I'm trying very hard not to be bananas anymore so you might undermine my efforts. The Doctor keeps talking about positive reinforcement, or something like that."  
Bill's cheeks reddened.  
"Stop reading my mind !"  
"Stop thinking that loud, then. It's disturbing, you know. Even if you think I've got beautiful eyes."  
Bill felt like she wanted to bury herself underground, or facepalm so hard she would become one of those legendary Weeping Angels the Doctor told her about.  
"So, the glitter bottle. First we need to boil water to dissolve the glitter glue."  
"Right !" Missy exclaimed gleefully, taking the steaming teapot full of hot water, each of them having individual tea bags in their cups.  
"Pour the glitters in the bottle. What colours do you want ?"  
"I think white and deep pink would make a nice base. I want to make a galaxy."  
Saying that, Missy poured a good amount of glitters, then the water. Shaking the mix, she watched the glitters twirling. _She looks like a cat_ , Bill tried not to think.  
"Pretty. Now I guess I should colour the water. I want it to be clear, so I'm going to put a tiny teensy bit of blue food colouring. Then I want to add stars."  
Bill looked for stars on the table and found a little plastic bag full of silver ones. She gave it to Missy, who was already putting bigger ones in the bottle.  
"Thank you, I need many sizes. Then I should add dark purple glitters, and also blue ones. And a pinch of black."  
Bill watched with fascination the centuries old alien woman adding the glitters with a scientific precision. She was probably calculating the exact shade of her bottle just at sight. Maddie would be so impressed...  
"You see, It's not only about the colours. The size matters too. The heavier glitters will fall first, always in the same orders until the finest powder stays in suspension. You have to think with time, to predict the movements and the colour changes they imply."  
"I get the idea."  
"Now give me the glue, please. I know you want to learn how to make this perfect bottle to boast with a girl. No I didn't read your mind, it's just obvious."  
Missy took the clear glue from Bill's hands and cleared her throat.  
"A little lesson in physics ! The glitters fall at a regular speed because of gravity. You can calculate the exact speed if you know the strength of local gravity, the density of the liquid solution and the mass of each type of glitters you used."  
"Wow, don't play the smart alien teacher with me !"  
"Right, the thicker your liquid is the most slowly your glitters will fall. Understood ?"  
"Yeah, I got the idea."  
"I already put some glitter glue so my water is not pure. I'd like my bottle to clear completely in fifteen minutes."  
Missy closed her eyes, making an absurd series of calculations. Then she poured the glue drop by drop in the bottle. She looked like a mix between a cartoon scientist and a school girl working on a Mother's Day project. She had frizzy hair all over her head and glitters on her face. Missy was enjoying herself more than Bill could comprehend. It was just pouring glue and glitters in a plastic bottle after all.  
"You can't estimate all those data just like this, don't you ?" Bill asked, feeling a bit stupid for her question.  
"Well, maybe you can't, but I'm perfectly able to calculate the density of familiar fluids with a satisfying accuracy, thanks."  
When she was happy with her dosage, she closed the lid and shook vigorously. The ingredients mixed together to form a galaxy-like colour, scattered with stars of different sizes sinking slowly to the bottom of the bottle.  
"It's pretty, really beautiful !" Bill exclaimed, surprised with her own honesty.  
"And the process should last for fifteen minutes precisely. Hum, something is missing, don't you think ?"  
"You have an idea ?"  
Missy nodded in searched something in her trinkets box. She finally found a TARDIS shaped charm made with some kind of plastic. Missy nodded and opened the bottle to add the small Police Box. It began twirling with the rest of the glitters to slowly float up. The Time Lady watched her realisation with pride and removed the lid a last time to apply some glue.  
The Doctor put his book down and came to the table, watching the girls with a smile. Missy was putting each little plastic bag and glitter bottle meticulously back in the little boxes of her crafting case.  
"You did a great job" he praised her.  
Missy beamed at the compliment.  
"The Doctor's right, it's really pretty. Maybe you should give me more crafting classes" Bill teased.  
But Missy took her very seriously and looked at the Doctor for approval.  
"I'd like it, if both of you agree."  
Bill regretted her words a little, but Missy seemed so happy she thought coming back wouldn't be a big sacrifice.

A few days later, Bill entered the Doctor's office.  
"Good evening, miss Potts. You seem less electric than last week. Did something went wrong with Maddie ?"  
"Yeah, sort of. She's not exactly into girls, but I'm not losing anything. She asked me to follow her on Tumblr, and I saw things I wish I never saw in my life. Like really weird things. I won't ever see a Hello Kitty plush the same again. Eww ! Can you erase this picture from my mind, please ?"  
"Human brain isn't an Internet history, you know. I'm sure it's not that terrible" the Doctor answered too seriously for such an embarrassing conversation.  
"You have no idea. Or maybe you have, but I don't want to know. But the question is, why did I ever think dating a Scottish girl who dresses like Mary Poppins on crack was a good idea ?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calming bottles were trending a few years ago but I only discovered them on Pinterest recently. I became obsessed with making them, especially tiny ones I can wear as a necklace ^^. I'll post a picture of the Doctor Who themed one when I finally get my camera back ^^.


	4. A silly misunderstanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he's shopping for Missy, Nardole faces a silly misunderstanding. Why not using it for his advantage ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly idea that came to my mind late at night while chatting with Meancatoal88. A bit crack-ish, but not that much actually.

It wasn't the first time Nardole had met this lady in the aisle of the supermarket. Not that he really noticed her, but she had beautiful red curls that matched nicely the apple green shade of her skin. She was the typical image of an Andromedian middle class housewife and probably had a very regular shopping schedule, just like Nardole had. He always borrowed the TARDIS on Thursday mornings to go to this particular supermarket. They had interesting prices, and a large range of international items, which was really nice for exotic recipes and indulging both Time Lords with their quirky requests.  
"You have a very lucky little girl" the woman said with a polite smile when they were lining at the cashier.  
Nardole frowned a moment before noticing the bag of planet shaped lollipops, the Neo-Japanese biscuits box ornamented with a moving Hello Kitty and a small bottle of holographic glitter. Actual Holographic glitters, not just iridescent ones.  
"Yes, she is" he said with a polite smile. "She's not mine, though. My friend and I foster her."  
"I see" the lady said with a mischievous smile.  
"It's not what you think !" Nardole exclaimed.  
Not that he was offended by the stranger's assumptions, but he couldn't help but notice the absence of the traditional face paint married Andromedian women wore as a sigh of engagement.  
"We're both travellers, so when he found himself with such a responsibility I couldn't not help him."  
"It wasn't a deliberate choice, so. How old is she ?"  
Nardole winced and answered as naturally as he could.  
"I'm not sure. Probably a few thousands years. She's from an ancient specie, almost extinct. My friend was her last relative."  
The woman gapped.  
"I assumed you were human."  
"I was. Now I'm a bit augmented. I'm not sure I'll live long enough to keep up with them, though. She's under his custody for a thousand years."  
"It's quite scary from my perspective" the woman laughed. "We feel like mayflies compared to some specie. Isn't it difficult for both of you ? Ancient beings can be a bit arrogant, aren't they ?"  
"You have no idea !" Nardole said with a laugh. "She's getting used to me with time. And with all the presents I buy for her."  
The woman laughed warmly.  
"Children can be a handful, but I'm sure she's adorable. I have a 104 lunar years old little girl myself, she's a bit agitated since her dad left us, but she has such a good heart."  
"I wouldn't say the same about Missy" Nardole commented, earning a strange look from the woman. "it's not really her fault, though. She didn't grow up on the best planet and war traumatised her."  
"Aww, poor sunshine. I'm sure she has a very happy life now."  
"We take care of her the best we can. She's not really fit to live in society so we overprotect her a little, but we're trying to give her a suitable education. My friend stopped travelling and works full time as a teacher on Earth to provide her with stability."  
The woman was now looking at him in awe. Nardole wasn't sure how he felt about benefiting from the situation, but until now he hadn't told any lies. Not really.  
"Do you have a picture of her ?" the woman asked with a smile.  
"Not yet" Nardole said. "New phone."  
First lie. He had a few pictures of Missy on his phone, including the one he had taken of her sleeping over the tea table this morning after she had refused to go to bed for four nights a row. Just to blackmail her next time she would be fussy at bedtime.  
"It's true" the woman said "we never think about taking pictures of the people we see everyday, unless it's Christmas or a birthday party."  
The lady smiled again when she noticed it was her turn to pay.  
"It was a pleasure to talk with you, Mr..."  
"Nardole."  
"My name is Aleya. See you next week, I guess." she added with a mischievous grin.


	5. It's a beautiful cat's life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Doctor promises to a coworker to keep her cat, it still ends up to be Nardole's responsibility.

"What is this, sir ?" Nardole asked when he entered the Doctor's office and noticed a few strange items.

"Oh, Nardole, you're just in time. I promised a very nice lady from the administration to keep her cat for the week end. Unfortunately, I completely forgot I also promised Bill to take her to a very important scientific exhibition in New New York."

"And..." Nardole asked with a frown, knowing very well where the conversation was going.

"And I'd like you to keep an eye on the cat for me. I promise it's a nice cat. Look at it, it's sitting in it's box in silence, looking at us with big, unblinking eyes."

"Sorry, sir, but I have an odd feeling of déjà-vu. When did you promise you would keep a creepy, murderous creature for the last time ?"

"It's just for two days, Nardole, not for a thousand years. Wait, are you scared of cats ?"

"It's not the question. And you have a time machine !"

"Bill is already jet-lagged from last week. Humans prefer linear time travel, Amy and Rory didn't want to age faster than their relatives and we had a very strict schedule about it. And you didn't deny you're scared of cats."

"Off course I am. Those things are blood thirsty, nasty little monsters. Did you know they regulary try to kill their owners but humans are just to big for them ?"

"You're too big for them. Look at those eyes, and those perky little ears. Cats are adorable. And the fact they want to kill us is false. Who would feed them, then ? No, they just make believe because they think killing is fun."

"It's still a no. Speaking of cute but vicious little murderers, I already have one to look after."

"I have a solution for this too" the Doctor said with a devious smile.

 

Missy was having fun perverting a children coloring book with blood and guts when Nardole asked her to go in the containment field. She obeyed peacefully, happy to have a visitor and probably some yummy treats.

"Hello, Miss !" the little round robot exclaimed joyfully, entering the Vault.

He had a few bags and a little cage in his hands. The cage meowed and a big smile appeared on Missy's red lips.

"Hi ! I see I have a surprise guest. Did the Doctor finally understood humans weren't the dominating specie on Earth ?"

Nardole laughted at Missy's reaction and put everything on the floor. The bags contained a litter box, a food and a water bowl, and a few toys.

"Can I let it out ?" he asked politely. "Your home, your rules."

"Well, thank you. Can you leave the door open when you're out ?"

"Don't push your luck" he warned. "So, the cat. I let it out or not ?"

"Well, of course. And please, stop calling her a it. She's mildly offended now. Her name is Lucrecia and she's a cis white female."

"How do you know... anyway, I don't care. Kitty, kitty..."

Missy rolled her eyes as Nardole installed the cat's stuff around and opened the little metal door. She didn't miss either that he took a few steps back when the small ball of fur ventured out of her cage.

_"Don't be scared, young lady. He's an idiot but he's not going to hurt you. Welcome to my territory, you can jump wherever you want but please, don't make your claws on the furniture."_

The cat blinked and answered telepathically.

_"Thank you, beautiful humanoid. You're not human, aren't you ? You're able to use a civilised language."_

_"Clever little kitty. I'm a Time Lady. My name is Missy, short for Mistress."_

 

Nardole shrugged as the cat and Missy looked intensely at each other in the eyes. He scoffed at the sight of the gory Winnie the Pooh coloring book and sat in his determined chair by the heaters.

 

_"Why are you in a cage if you're the mistress here ?"_

_"I can ask you back, dearest."_

Lucrecia came closer to the force field and made a pouting face.

"The little egg is scared of me" Missy whispered, using her words so Nardole would hear. "I'm a beautiful but lethal creature. And they think i'm their prisoner" she add in a conspiracy tone.

"Well, technically you are" Nardole reminded her. "No need to boast you can escape whenever you want, we all know it's not true. Now you can keep talking to this cat, but do I need to explain to you she doesn't understand human language ?"

Both Missy and the cat looked at him smugly.

"Don't be silly, Humpty Dumpty. It's not the humans who have to lower down their native language to primitive meows in order to get served. Now I'm going to translate to your nano brain, Lucrecia wants a cup of milk."

Nardole shrugged, trying to hide a giggle. Obviously he didn't believe Missy, which gave her an itching murder craving.

"Milk isn't good for cats, you know. But she can have cat treats if she wants."

"She meant milk for cats. Apparently you can find it in the cat food section of the grocery store. Now if you could bring me a latte, hazelnut-caramel with sugar, you'd be an nice slave, oops, I mean warden."

Nardole sighed but obeyed nevertheless, getting up from his chair.

"All right, I'm going to find those. But let me remind you again, you might get spoiled like a princess, you're still a prisoner here."

"Of course I am" Missy cooed with a singing voice. "And I want a few cinnamon biscuits with it. Why do you think I stay here ?"

 

When Nardole came back, Missy was sitting on the floor, only a few inches separating her from the cat.

"Can you let me out, now ?" Missy asked impatiently, as she looked at her latte on the tea table.

Nardole gulped but still managed to look at her sternly.

"You have to promise you'll behave."

"Off course I will. I just want to have my drink at _my_ table, in _my_ Vault."

The cyborg nodded and let the force field down. Missy jumped elegantly and sat at the table. She took one of her favourite cups and poured the cat milk in it, inviting Lucrecia to sit on the table, facing her. Nardole stayed in his chair, aware he wasn't welcome in the strange girl's tea party.

 _"So you live here all time ?"_ Lucrecia asked. _"I'm stuck in my home too. How do you entertain yourself ?"_

_"I have books, and a TV. I also have toys like gym stuff, crafting materials things like that. But I play a lot in my head. You know, chasing the Daleks and being chased by the Cybermen. I have great hidding places like under the bed and in this little dark corner over here. I have nice climbing places too. Once I created a great swing with a bed sheet and the chandeliers."_

_"I have toys too, but toys are not funny. Except the laser."_

_"I like the laser too, especially when there's a sniper on the other side."_

The cat was lapping her milk as Missy took elegant sips of her latte, both of them staring at each other with unblinking, large round eyes.

 _"Once I found a mouse"_ Lucrecia said _"I killed it but mummy went very crossed after me. Back in the days cats were rewarded for killing mice. Humans are getting weak. If at least they didn't kill countless of pigs and cows."_

_"They're hypocrites. I say it to the Doctor all the time. Have you seen those documentaries about slaughterhouses. Delightful !"_

_"Have you ever wish you had a living toy to play with and kill in a horrible painful way ?"_

_"All the time ! Well, I have Nardole, and I could kill him so easily, but who would bring me tea and treats then ? I think it's the true punishment of it all !"_

The cat made a mrrraou sound that sounded suspiciously like an evil sneer as they both looked at him. Damn, Missy had found her soulmate. Was it so surprising she got along well with one of those nasty little furballs ?

_"By the way, I think the toxoplasmosis is an amazing thing. Humans still think it's caused by a parasite. Silly fools !"_

_"Thanks. We've been working hard for centuries to obtain control. Humans rebelled a bit during Middle Ages, but in the end we're still the true masters. Have you seen our endoctriment videos all over the Internet."_

_"Sure, they're amazing. You know, there's no shame in being a house cat. As I always say, the most secure your cage is the most power you have."_

_"Can I ask you a question ?"_

_"You've already done it, sweetie"_ Missy said cheekily.

_"Why do you stay here ? The egg is obviously not you human daddy. You just tolerate him because he feeds you."_

_"Clever girl ! I stay for the Doctor."_

_"Do you love him ?"_

The cat was now purring loudly and started giving headbutts to Missy's face. She kisses her back, cat style kisses and human kisses on the forehead.

_"You girly little thing ! Don't be stupid, love is for petty humans. He's the last other Time Lord and he's my oldest friend."_

_"I bet he's everything to you. Is he the one who locked you in there ?"_

_"It was for my security."_

_"Do you snuggle with him ?"_

_"Sometimes."_

_"Do you nuzzle in his neck, and ask him to stroke your hair for hours ?"_

_"Yes, all the time when we watch a film."_

_"Then you love him."_

Missy bit her lower lip and contemplated the space above the cat's head, right between her ears.

_"I was a cat, a long time ago. Not an elegant house cat, more a wild and vulgar cheetah. It's funny because I was becoming a stupid animal, and now I feel closer to a cat than ever. Can I say we're friends ?"_

_"Off course ! I don't have friends on my level, only stupid humans and my mummy."_

_"I don't have friends of my level either. The Doctor is close, but he's been perverted by human stupidity."_

_"Want to curl and snuggle with me on the bed ?"_

_"Sure ! And after we could play hide and seek, and maybe scaring the egg a bit. I think he's scared of cats, but it's our little secret between girls."_

 

The Doctor and Bill arrived from New New York Saturday in the evening. Bill did want her Sunday, after all, and she'd heard the Doctor had a cat to keep.

"I think Nardole put the cat in the Vault. Logic thing to do, this way he can keep his eyes on both Missy and the cat."

"Is it okay ? I mean, Missy is..."

"Why would she hurt a cat. And I guess he kept them under a close supervision. Come with me, I want to see it with my eyes !"

 

When the Doctor and Bill entered the Vault, they didn't really know what to expect, but certainly not that scene. Nardole was there, except he was stuck in the contaiment field and looked both fuming and terrified, like most of the times actually. Several pieces of furniture were scattered on the floor as a makeshift fort, wool balls and cat toys everywhere, as well as a few creative toys made by Missy, like a cardboard Dalek. Everything was still bearing the aftermath of a very active afternoon, and still no sight of Missy and the cat. The Doctor started to panic when Bill made a cooing noise.

"Aww, look at those cuties. You should really get her a cat, they seem to be the perfect match !"

Following her gaze, he noticed the purple figure curled on the bed, and the smaller white and furry one by her side.

"Please, don't say it again, you might give her ideas" Nardole grumbled in the force field.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twissy, even the cats ship it !


	6. A single pale Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy is left confused by the last revelations in Steven Universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : major spoiler for the latest Steven Universe episodes. If you watch the show and miraculously escaped the spoilers tide, you can still turn around !

Missy was out of the containment field, silent despite the voice in the intercom. Nardole pulled the door and entered the Vault with a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits. Tea time was the perfect moment to keep an eye on Missy's activities. When he saw her silent at the other end of the room, he put the tray on the table and walked to her.  
"Hey, miss. What's going on ?"  
He crossed the Vault carefully, ready for the childish, but potentially dangerous, traps Missy occasionally made. She was sitting in her armchair, facing the television. She looked lost in her thoughts and a bit disturbed by something. Nardole wondered if she had seen something special on TV. Sometimes she and the Doctor noticed things in the news, alien threats unnoticed by the humans. Usually, she felt excited when this happened, not shocked, so it was definitely worrisome.  
"Are you okay ?"  
Missy turned her head and jumped a little in surprise.  
"My goodness, Humpty Dumpty, you could have knocked !"  
"I did knock, I even called you. Anyway, here's your tea," he said handing a cup.  
Missy blinked and seized the steaming cup. Nardole sat in the nearest armchair. The Time Lady didn't chase him away, so she probably could do with a bit of company at the moment.  
"So, what happened ?"  
After a moment of unnerving silence, Missy spilled the beans.  
"Rose Quartz was Pink Diamond."  
Nardole frowned at the cryptic declaration, before he was hit with the realisation. He did his best not to show his relief at the news. Steven Universe, it was just a plot twist in Steven Universe that made her in this state. Thinking about it, it was not surprising, after all Missy had never been really concerned with the outside world.  
"For real ? You already had the idea before, didn't you ?"  
Missy lowered her gaze, playing with her cup.  
"I know but it's still a shocking revelation. I knew Rose wasn't the perfect heroine we thought she was in the first series. She had killed people and did bad stuff, but it was the war and the Doctor agreed we sometimes had to do bad things when there's no other solution. But If she's Pink Diamond..."  
"That means she regretted her past actions and chose to change her ways."  
Missy scoffed.  
"She still did pretty messed up stuff, even on my own standards."  
Nardole tried to repress a smile. Making fun of Missy wouldn't make things easier, and belittling the "problem" would be quite counter-productive. It was a good thing Missy tried to understand things like that, moral dilemmas and unsolvable situation. Her lack of distinction between fiction and reality was somewhat endearing. It was one of those little habits that made her who she was, the person behind the dreadful actions.  
"It's interesting you noticed it. Back in the days, you wouldn't have noticed her flaws."  
Missy shot a deadly glare to Nardole and he regretted his poor choice of words.  
"Think what you want about me, I've always been pretty well aware of what's good and bad. That what makes me a villainess, silly egg. Otherwise, I would be a child or a mentally disabled person."  
Nardole shivered at the cold declaration. Thinking Missy was disabled was easier for everyone because imagining a sane person doing half of what she's done in her past lives or in this one was absolutely frightening. Well, he wasn't entirely convinced of her sanity, but she was still lucid enough to understand her own actions and the consequences of them.  
"I knew from the very beginning she didn't love Greg. The Doctor tried his best to convince me otherwise, but I saw very clearly he was only a pet for her."  
"Are you sure she didn't love him ?"  
"She played with everyone. But what she made Pearl do... I know Pearl was just a living weapon to her, but it's just not right. Not right at all."  
Nardole blinked, momentarily doubting of his eyesight when he noticed a tear in Missy's eye. He was tempted to tell her it was only a TV show, but she was obviously struggling with deeper feelings. Those moments always made him nervous. Helping her in her rehab was the Doctor's job, not his. His job was to keep an eye on her, deliver her meals and make sure she lived in healthy conditions. He felt quite useless when she started being emotional with him, not that it happened often.  
"It's okay, miss. You'll talk about it later with the Doctor if you want. Don't make a mess of yourself for a bunch of fictional characters. I know there's more to it, you have all the memories of what you've done and what has been done to you, but for the moment you are safe and it's tea time. What about trying those new cookie dough mochis. Strange combination, I'm sure you're dying to try."  
Missy nodded and got up on her feet. Nardole noticed the discarded Rose Quartz felt doll and took it from the floor to replace it on the Time Lady's bed.  
"Look at the mess you've made, silly gem."


End file.
